This is an abnormal one..just putting it out there to vent some frustration and hope for some potentially helpful feedback from my wise and experienced readers and friends.
The evolution of the mind..typically it grows..absorbing all that is around it and learning to adapt to it, react to it, understand it and use it. Is this the case? Does this happen naturally, or is our mind a garden, constantly needing tending, weeding, watering, and re soiling? I ask this broad question mainly because I struggle with it. I struggle with this process and the understanding that some of it does happen naturally. For me, it seems to often times be the opposite. Perhaps those who really have the ability to understand how people work and how their own mind works can shed some light on this. Is it possible that either circumstances, stimuli or is it personal ability control how smart one is and how smart one becomes? I find it has become almost impossible, to the extreme, to teach myself anything. After college..maybe even High School! Am I concentrating too hard on the process? Why am I unable to focus enough? My brain seems to work..I have lots of thoughts..but I cannot help but struggle with this feeling that over the past 2 years something has happened to me and I am trapped in my current constantly bewildered mind. Words form in my head, but they do not come out right..I seldom express my opinion and I seldom feel like I know what I am talking about. I struggle every day just to focus on tasks and process information, use it and add to it. Sometimes I feel like I am just watching things happen, thinking about watching things happen, and thinking about listening to someone talk..but never processing it.
I am sure you are thinking it is not helpful to admit or bemoan over something like this about ones self. But, honestly, I need some help! It has come to the point in my life where I need a little focus and direction..I have sent my kite to sail and it has reached some stormy clouds..uncertain how to navigate. I feel I could almost pinpoint the moment this all started to get worse...it all happened just a couple of years ago..this change in my mental behavior..that time brought a lot of changes and while the issues have subsided I don't feel like they have entirely gone away. Medication? Personal stress? What factors cause us to lose focus? How do we teach ourselves to focus again? Meditation creates focus..but it is but in the moment, clarity..replaced with status quo upon subsiding. Perhaps I need more practice..but there in lies the challenge..focus, once again...
I would be interested in any thoughts, readings or advice..sometimes I feel improvement..but most of the time I still struggle. I want to decide the next step, how I'm going to play this curve ball I've been dealt..I think I need to address several personal issues first.
I promise I will keep these blogs less focused on inner turmoil and more on adventures and explorations in the future..but I needed a forum for this and so I'm starting here..