Okay, I'm running off battery power here so I've got to think/type fast. The latter I can handle, the former..that's the trick.
I just was thinking before going to bed about the changes over the last 5 months. Maybe I'm feeling a little reflective tonight knowing tomorrow morning I'm going under the surgeon's knife (oral surgeon that is..). Wisdom teeth extraction...I better think of some posts because I have a feeling that may be my only form of communication over the next couple of days..
But really, I am not thinking about that very much tonight. I have a lot of things on my mind..and as I'm starting to realize I tend to ALWAYS have a lot on my mind. Moving was a personal challenge I put in place for myself and as with any challenge there are difficulties to surpass. I knew it was going to be hard and I knew it was going to be different. But I don't think I went into it really understanding myself enough to know how to handle it right off the bat. I figured all would fall into place..as it had my entire life for the most part. Growing up in familiar territory, generally around the same people, we (I) develop habits. Not just habits in the way we live, for we are all creatures of habit, but more so the habits we don't realize we form. Interpersonal habits. Habits that we really don't have to think about. Habits that when put into a completely different ocean, don't always work in the same way. That, mixed with an even greater lack of self confidence is the heart of the challenge for myself anyway. I am often noticing that I do things and say things I don't realize are possibly a little out of place. They can be jokes or random comments I just say without thinking. Everyone back home knows me in one sense..and I have really never taken the time to TRY to be anything other than what was necessary for me to exist in that domain. So, the things we let slide in our self come around to pay us back in the end. But I think it's a good thing really. While it is humbling, jumping outside of my norm has forced me to come to terms with a lot of idle habits I otherwise would have probably not even realized. Going from a place where you have a family that accepts and is beyond questioning those little quirks to a place where in a sense you have to build a relationship from scratch means making a conscious effort to adapt. I think one of the real challenges for me is to focus less on finding ways to relate to my new surroundings and more on trying to understand it and be open to it. Striving to make an input, to relate my own similarities really just relays an awkward self involvement. I probably did this before without realizing it, but I spend so much time thinking about how to act and how to relate and what, within what I know, can I relate to the situation at hand that I rarely am IN THE MOMENT. My friends probably know and accept the randomness that ensues..but being outside of that norm has made me realize it even more.
I don't really know what all this means. It means I need to be more in the moment I guess. So I can stop making comments out of context, forgetting my belongings and losing my place in general. Perhaps these little quirks come out more when faced with a challenge to self confidence in new surroundings or perhaps they are just more apparent to me now. It's all part of the adventure I guess..